All in my head --Written on: Friday, Aug. 06, 2004 ~~ 20:39
I do believe I've figured out what my problem is. I had another attack of utter grumpiness/unreasonable depression around midweek and the potential (if my theory is correct) to have another one tomorrow. However, Saturdays are different, so maybe I'll get lucky.Anyway, it's not the loneliness per se that gets to me. I've done "alone," practically to the point of complete solitude, before and actually wasn't that miserable. Well, I wasn't that miserable for the sake of just being alone, let me put it that way. It's the disappointment that is what really kicks my ass. It's the waiting and the waiting all week long for the one day or evening that Jeff is "supposed" to be off or the one day that there's a chance that he might not have to go in to any of the 3 jobs... It's the getting right down to the zero hour and then...
BANG!
Sorry Charlie! No-can-do. Whoopsie. Oh, oh... Did you think that... Noooo, of course not. It's the waiting all week for the next week's schedule to come out just on the hopes that it might contain one part of one day off. Then, there's always a ray of light to be followed inevitably by disappointment... And then being alone, which only makes things worse.
I've considered asking Jeff to just not tell me when he "might" have a day off. If I can just know what to expect and prepare myself for another week just like the last, then all there will be is to have pleasant surprises, right? There's a funny thing about that though, in that once I get my mind all together for being alone, I really only have about a 50/50 chance of getting out of it. So, even if I am "pleasantly surprised" to find my husband home and available one day, I'll still be miserable. Or rather, I'll still seem to be miserable, even if I really am feeling okay. Try to explain that one. Yeah, it usually doesn't go over very well.
I do just keep telling myself: if the biggest problems we have are invading bees and conflicting schedules then I guess I don't have anything to complain about. It's God's way of telling me, I think, that I ought to just shut up because we both know it can get much worse.
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Before And After
Would I get a discount if I birthed the baby in the store? - 5/16/05
The end is near? - 5/13/05
The progession of me - 5/10/05
Cleaning update - 5/7/05
Pre-nesting - 5/7/05
