When I used to work first shift, I'd come home to an empty apartment where I'd putz around and do anything from watch movies for the 502nd time to frantically clean. Normally I'd get very depressed if I watched movies (even the stupidest flick tends to have one or two sentimental moments--that was enough), so I cut that out. One can only keep busy for so long. I'd usually get terminally bored by 6 PM and have nothing left but to go to sleep by 8 or 9. Absolutely pathetic...

I came to second shift so that Jeff and I could be on the same schedule and I wouldn't have to be alone and inevitably bored for extended periods of time. Even with being alone, I kind of thought my depression was a night thing. I thought that maybe the sun would keep me perked up. Apparently that only works in the short term. Today wasn't really very bad in the grand scheme of things, but I can glimpse how bad it can (and will) get.

I'm not sure that anyone is capable of being alone as much as I am and staying sane for very long. I see my husband for maybe half an hour in the morning, and that's only if I get up with him and shadow him around while he gets ready for work. Today I stayed in bed till 11--I haven't done that in weeks and certainly not when I was in bed by 12:30 the night before. After he leaves, I see no one. I come to work. People are still around for about 2 hours after I get here, but most days that's my busiest time and both me and anyone who I'd usually talk to are running around either just beginning or just ending their days. They all leave. Kelly is here, but she and I are only semi-social and only when we're both not doing other things--generally only on our lunch break. Then I go off to do my work for the day, another solitary (and deafeningly quiet task). I come home. Sometimes Jeff is home before me, sometimes not. I see my husband again for anywhere from half an hour to two hours. Time for bed. Repeat the above. Most days are like that. Saturday is basically the same except I don't go to work. If Jeff isn't working a double, then add about 4-6 hours to the time we spend together. It's almost like a mini-vacation every week, I guess. Sundays, so far until he changes his mind about his hours and how much he needs to work, we're both off and spend the day together. Except this week when I'm seeing my dad in the evening for father's day--something else Jeff and I can't possibly do together.

I'm tired and I'm bored and I'm depressed and I'm very lonely.

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Before And After

Would I get a discount if I birthed the baby in the store? - 5/16/05
The end is near? - 5/13/05
The progession of me - 5/10/05
Cleaning update - 5/7/05
Pre-nesting - 5/7/05