My mom just got home from the grocery store (how ironic) with the news, "Guess who I saw..." Gotta say something for premonitions. More than that, thank the heavens I didn't take her up on her offer to go with her. There's something a little weird about meeting up in the frozen foods aisle with your married ex-boyfriend and his mom while shopping with your own mother.

So they went through the obligatory small talk, I guess. How's Heather, Did she and Jeff ever get married, I heard she had kids, Did she finish school, Oh really, she made it through Biology, huh? I guess he and his wife are indeed back here, but he's still working in California only commuting out there when needs be. I guess he founded some kind of computer networking company out there, so good for him. Proves to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that money wouldn't buy me happiness because if I'd stayed on that path I'd probably be all set in the finances department without needing to work much, if at all, but be miserable and unfullfilled everywhere else. I have no regrets. I'm at a loss for what I should tell Jeff about all this though, because I'm sure he'll be a little bummed out... The way men are all preoccupied with money and success and whatnot... All the silly things (wink).

So anyway, all the things I want to say don't seem to be coming out right. Being the cynic that I am, everything sounds very insincere to me and bitter and silly. Everything always looked to be so good between Steve and I, and no one ever really knew how unhappy I was. I needed him so much as a friend at that time and he was incapable of being a part of my life as JUST a friend. Well, no.... He could have been just my friend so long as I denied myself having any OTHER male companions while he was around, which is more or less the same thing as being together, just without the fun stuff. So I needed him and I was too weak to state my terms and make sure my own needs were being met. I was a teenager and I didn't know any better. I've said it before and I'll say it again.... You always think that adults are just being jackasses when they tell you that you don't know anything about life at that age. I don't know that we didn't know anything, but I'll say that I know SO MUCH MORE now. I truly can't wait to know how much more I've learned in the next 10 years and how silly and stupid I'll think I was in my twenties.

I do know one thing for sure. If I'd stayed the course back then, I'd still be very much the weak and dependent person that I used to be. I'd just have dug myself in deeper and deeper with probably not having finished college, having gotten married too soon and have had kids because I had nothing else better to do. I'm so much better off now.

Au revior.

Before And After

Would I get a discount if I birthed the baby in the store? - 5/16/05
The end is near? - 5/13/05
The progession of me - 5/10/05
Cleaning update - 5/7/05
Pre-nesting - 5/7/05