Dreaming of WIL --Written on: Thursday, Oct. 02, 2003 ~~ 19:41
I'm feeling a little weird again. Not weird like I was a few weeks ago, but just weird. A little grumpy, kind of lonely, somewhat tired, sort of empty. I don't know what that's all about. I've been having dreams lately (2 in the past week or so that I can remember) about leaving BVL and going back to work at WIL. Last night's dream wasn't a very good one either. I kept thinking, "What the hell am I doing here? What have I done?" I can even remember asking myself if this was a dream and then deciding that it wasn't but then trying to convince myself that it must be. In the dream I was freaking out because I had to fix this terrible mistake that I'd somehow made, but then how could I come back to BVL so soon like that. How could I show my face here again? I think I just miss my friends. More than that even, I miss just having friends at work that I can look forward to seeing. Granted, things are about 120% better now than they were 6 or 8 months ago. Even still, it's just not the same. And it will never be the same. I was thinking about it recently, the whole social structure at WIL. I think that everyone has their own little social pyramid there, themselves being at the top. Or maybe more like a sphere, and one's self is in the center. Anyway, while I still have several good friends there, that I'd rather have with me here, the central core of my sphere has been gutted. For me, the next inner circle was Mike and Teresa (and a guy that I don't think I've ever talked about here, Tyler... But that was before he lost his mind and became an ass). All three of us had pretty well decided that there was no future at WIL at the same time, and all left within 90 days of eachother. Mike was the first one to actually find something else, but both Teresa and I were somewhere within the interview process of our current jobs when he announced he was leaving. A couple of months later, Teresa had her last day; the following Monday, I put in my notice--I had been all set for my hire date here for about 2 months prior to that, I just wanted to finish the study that I'd spent the last 10 months working on before I left. Oh, and about a month or two before Mike even left, that was when Tyler got all moody and decided to be a jerk. He doesn't speak to me now; he hasn't spoken to me for about a year and a half. He still works at WIL, but he no longer counts as being part of my own personal social sphere.
I realize how silly that sounds, the whole social sphere thing, but it really is a vital part of working there. That place, the managment and the big wigs who control everything, that place will drive you crazy if you don't have some sort of support system in place. Working there was so frustrating. You watch the animals in there happy little cages all day, but really you're not doing much more with your life than they are. It's like being on a hamster wheel. You go and go and go as fast as you can for as long as you are able, but in the end you haven't gotten anywhere. Maybe you know one or two more things than you did when you started, but you are no more important to the company, you are probably not getting paid any more than you were in the beginning (not enough to mention anyway), and you never gain any more respect than you ever had no matter how long you've worked or how good you are. Sure, there are the occasional pats on the back, but they never protect you from a blind slap in the face that is inevitably on its way.
And even still, I miss it sometimes... And I don't. I really, really don't.
Stay tuned...
Before And After
Would I get a discount if I birthed the baby in the store? - 5/16/05
The end is near? - 5/13/05
The progession of me - 5/10/05
Cleaning update - 5/7/05
Pre-nesting - 5/7/05
